I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

2005-09-24T03:46:00.000-07:00

today was a good day....:)

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say

2005-09-23T23:00:00.000-07:00

Oh no, here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes...sometimes,
you just have to walk away

Just walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

(stolen with pride from Ben Harper - and such a sell written classic this is. Guess this means that this LoverBoy is riding shotgun again.....)

Its called sanctuary

2005-09-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

I received an interesting compliment from a friend regarding this blog. “You write well, you should write some song”….Hmmm, not a bad idea. I am trying to learn the guitar (not being very successful at this point of time, partly for the lack of commitment on my part and being tone deaf does not help either).

So based on the mood that is am in, here is my first song…
…

Sanctuary

As I lie in bed with the voices in my head,
Feel that there is nothing to look forward to ahead,
Stolen pleasures I have a few
Often looking for new
Is this my fate….hope its not too late

(chorus)
Looking for sanctuary
Where I see you and you see me.
Looking for sanctuary
A sanctuary for you and me
Don’t want to wait till is too late
Tempting fate, is my escape x 2

My mornings start with a sigh
Caffeine in my blood to get on by
And giving up is just too easy,
Wonder if there is anyone out there just like me.

(chorus)

and now I come to the final verse of this song,
and it’s the break of dawn,
and as I lie in bed a again
Welcoming the voices in my head, ones that I call friend.

Not Original, but reflective

2005-09-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut.
My weakness is that I care too much.
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to fail.

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand

Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

Go fix yourself
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Papa Roach - Scars

The Choices We Make

2005-09-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

What would you do if you had a life changing decision to make, especially if you have a choice to walk away and pretend nothing had happened? One that would change the way your life would be, forever.

Today, I was confronted with this decision. One that I already know what the implications would be, what the penalty was and the threat - potentially irreversible.

And I choose to ride it out.

This was much to my surprise as I knew the repercussions of the decisions would indeed be – life changing. Its implications on my future astounding – for the lack of better words, mind boggling.

Today I realized that I am better person because of this, for better or worse – I choose to stay. Even know I am awed by my selflessness, was it impulsive or deliberate? I am thinking it was deliberately impulsive on my part. We are what we chose to do - its the greatest gift we have.

Indulgentiam absolutionem, et remissionem peccatorum nostrorum, tributat nobis omnipotens et misericors Dominus.

Today – I also learnt that kindness can be viewed as a form weakness. But I do not regret the choice I have made, even if it was unappreciated and now bordering unnecessary – as it light turns to dark, the day becomes night.

The Law of Nonresistance

2005-09-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

The way of nonresistance and is therefore undefeatable from the start. Fast and slow are of no consequence. Merely by having the intention to fight, one who embodies the universal law, they have fixed their mind on violating the harmony of nature itself. The person who is evil or malicious is defeated before he makes the first move. The contest has already been decided.
This being so, in what way can we must first rid ourselves of this evil and become pure of spirit and mind. We must unify our mind and feeling with the mercy and compassion of the universal spirit. Within love, there is no competition, no enemy, no antagonism toward anyone else or anything. Those whose feeling does not coincide with this mentality can in no way come into harmony the laws of nature.

The Loverboy ....hmmm?

2005-09-11T04:32:00.000-07:00

I have been segmented….picked this off a Perfectly Flawed bolg…URL is http://www.okcupid.com/oktest# Not sure how true it is…but here is the results…

The Loverboy

Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMm)
Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships--as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment.

You've had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You're a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too.

You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you'll get bored. And then instead of surprising her with flowers or a practical joke, you'll surprise her by leaving.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph

CONSIDER: The Window Shopper, The Peach

For things to change, I must change first

2005-09-07T08:40:00.000-07:00

Today I find myself questioning within, reflecting.

Deep inside I look into myself to the meaning of my existence – my career, my family, my values, my loved ones, my friends, my enemies and my foes. I find that mediocrity has been the theme. Day by day, I live by – letting go of things, hastily completing one thing after another.

I feel that I have lost my cause, lost the reason why I do what I do, loss my ideals.

Just Lost.

De-motivated, will-less - Spiralling down to an even greater mediocrity in life, Becoming another face in the crowd.

No more after today. Let this be my testament that I will devote myself to ideals. Not settling for “what is just enough” – I will push the limits once again, and rise to glory. I will do what is right, what I must to.

Today, I have reflected on why I choose the path I have taken – so that I may become immortal, an embodiment, so that I may become legend.

For things to change, I must change first.

Like the phoenix, rise from the ashes, I will rise from mediatory. I shall not rest on my laurels and the comforts that has been bestowed upon me.
I will stop to sulk over what I have to do, instead I will look at what needs to be done.

I will l push hard, harder then before – to achieve greater things, to bring the people around me to greater heights, for if I am one man there is only so much I can achieve, but as a team, the sky’s the limit of what can be achieved.

And with the grace of God, I dare now dream to make great things happen – and start a new chapter of my life.

This I pledge.

As good as it gets…

2005-09-04T01:33:00.000-07:00

……Inspired by My Journey North,

I discovered that there are many a ways we can all choose to lead our life. Some choose to party earlier, work later & some choose to work earlier, party later.

I choose, work hard and party even hard earlier in life. I have some stories to tell bout “back in days”, knowing that seven years back – sure looks far and away from where I am today.

Why did I stop…..oh yeah, now I remember. I was becoming someone that people wanted me to be, not the person that I wanted to be.

You can say that I found God, he appears to you in mysterious ways, and I am sure that I have a lot more to pay for my past sins.

Back to life, someone close to my heart recently stopped me from buying a tool. It wasn’t that expensive (around RM50+), but she told me that I can get one for RM5 (non branded one, which functions the same), and in the end I got the cheaper one. I thank her and respect her for that – cause what that made me realize was the value of money.

We have a choice, we can choose the way we want to live our live
• Giorgio vs Giordiano
• Porsche vs Proton
• Paris vs Penang
• Etc

This revelation was brought upon this morning when I was a Indian woman and her young daughter having nasi lemak together, behind the Apam stall that they run. You can see immediately how strong and sincere their bond was.

But then again it is easier to dispense advice rather than taking it… at least know that there is a choice in life, Choose happiness

Lost & Found

2005-08-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

More proof that we should not take life forgranted....went mountian biking and got lost in the jungle... got out at 9pm...

Wonder what would happened if i was lost, plus bloody Maxis no service...

Hmm...Adventure or stupidity - lesson learned = cant be too sure that you might get through tomorrow, or survival of the fittest?

That really depends on you.

ap

MERDEKA

2005-08-31T15:38:00.000-07:00

Sigh…..free nation on paper, but are we really independent?

• The national debt is estimated at USD5billion
• We are obligated to open our trade doors to AFTA 2006, after numerous extensions
• Our tax system discriminates entrepreneurs
• And so forth…

But who am I to comment on matters of the state, closer to home,

A friend told me bout her best friends – MASTERCARD, VISA and AMEX…
The more you use them, ie take money from them, they happier they become. Hmm, wonder who is really using who?

I am just as guilty of abusing my “friendship” with my pals as well. Like un welcomed in-laws, they slowly put one foot in your door and stay on for the rest of the week, month, year…and at some cases longer.

Have we loss our independence – financially?

Seems that way for me. Car, cards, loans, insurance, savings, etc – we have become slaves to money.

Why?

Blame Gucci, Armani, LV, and D&G – a few of my fav brands, besides Omega and Rolex. Sigh… (the new Giorgio Armani store in KLCC has been calling me –Sale it seams.

I do however confess that I am a rehabilitated shop-o-holic, but the seed is planted deep within me, so much so that I have the power to infect others with the bug. Those with a low sense of self restraint, be warned.

Maybe its because I worked in a retail shop for a good five years of my life, nevertheless I have been infected bad.

The only rehab – and what worked for me, being BROKE.

Anyway, have solace in the fact that we have the FREEDOM to go to the malls and shop, when we want (during business hours at least) and the choice to be a slave to our “friends”.

The conclusion - The only thing I cannot resist is temptation itself.

Happy Merdeka Malaysia. God Bless.

PS: I bought a guitar on Sunday...Rock on - or at least i attempt to.

Join My Band??

2005-08-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

hmmm....smells like love in the air :)

2005-08-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

Some day, when I’m awfully low, When the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you...And the way you look tonight.

Yes you are lovely, with your smile so warm, And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...

And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... never, ever change.

Shades of Snakes and Ladders

2005-08-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Blogging has enabled me to reflect a lot on my life, where I have been, where I am, and where I want to be.

I have reached an epiphany that life is not like a box of chocolates, its more like a game of snakes and ladders. Take a few steps forward, get lucky – come to a ladder and “viola”, a few steps closer to your goal. The reverse also works – take a few steps forward, and “wham” you take a setback when you see a snake.

I guess without the snakes and ladders, life would be boring, but then again it would also depend on how many snakes and ladders you have encountered in
life.

As for me, guess I had a rough start in life, but recently realized that was the time I was happiest. Things were simpler then. Most things were in black and white, and sometimes various shades of grey. I like it when things were in black and white. It was a GO or NO GO, a YES or a NO.

More and more I find the shades being mixed and lines crossed. People choose to make life complicated. And to further complicate things, they throw in other variables, get in more thoughts, more opinions and more reason – not from one party, not from two, but the whole montly crew.

Over analysis leads to Paralysis.

What happened to doing what you do for your self, because you want to, because you follow your heart and know that that is the right thing to do.

What happened when hello means hello and not heLLOO.. Everybody is everybody’s person now, we try to please each other and at the end, no one is pleased.

We end up compromising, when we compromise, we add in shades of black and white, in this game of life where we all have our small role to play

We are not what you were born, but what we have it in our self to be, and at the end of it all, we will only have ourselves and our maker to answer to.

As for things to change, I must change first. This will be my new credo in life-

To be without fear in the face of trails and tribulations. To be brave and upright that God may love me. Speak the truth, always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong.

* And if that fails, I can rest in comfort knowing that there are very few problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives

THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING LUNCH

2005-08-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woke up in the morning, rolled around in bed, went back to sleep and realized that you are late for work…. Tripped on the leg of your bed, went to the car, realized that the keys were on the coffee table, which the coffee toppled over when the phone rang…and where is the damn phone now?

Just a manic Monday, or just like everyday?

Hmm…. Forget about the part where your are stuck in the jam (wish I was taking about the type you spread) or the part where the Kancil hits the Nissan, the best part of the day begins when you step in the office.

Ahh.. the joy of work,

Today I Reached in the office, the day gets better – you have 316 emails to read…since 9pm last night (given that 25% might be of explicit or elicit content) – you have Hong Kong calling on your mobile, Singapore on your desk phone, and everyone is assaulting you on messenger….you kick back and take care of business, in a flash – figured out everything is under control….

And then the mother of all SNAFU’s smacks you in the face....and de-ja-vu

WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

When two accounts were added into my portfolio, I was an idealist, an optimist, thinking that I can make a difference, alas reality bites.

LESSON OF THE DAY: An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.

That’s where lunch comes in, for all of us who are lucky enough to have a great team to work with, make lunch a religion. GET OUT of the OFFICE. Work will still be there (or multiply like jack rabbits) when you get back.

I guess we have to learn to accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue and ever so often…listen to the Sunscreen song.

A Dilbert Quote

2005-08-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

Once in a while, its good to have another POV. Stolen from Dilbert,

For every person who thinks up a magnificent breakthrough idea, there are a hundred who are nothing more than mindless and unimportant implementers of the idea. The reason for the imbalance in numbers is that the implementers tend to kill the people with the great ideas in order to cut down on the workload.

wherever I may roam

2005-08-24T02:57:00.000-07:00

and the road becomes my bride
I have stripped of all but pride
so in her I do confide
and she keeps me satisfied
gives me all I need...

and with dust in throat I crave
only knowledge will I save
to the game you stay a slaver
over wanderer
nomad vagabond
call me what you will

but I'll take my time anywhere
free to speak my mind anywhere
and I'll redefine anywhere

anywhere I roam
where I lay my head is home

...and the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
under wandering stars I've grown
by myself but not alone
I ask no one

...and my ties are severed clean
the less I have the more I gain
off the beaten path I reign

over wanderer
nomad vagabondcall me what you will
anywhere I roamwhere I lay my head is home
carved upon my stonemy body lie,
but still I roam
wherever I may roam

My Take on Power

2005-08-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

Somebody just asked me my take on power.

Let me start by sharing something new I learnt today.

Four twenty boys… are the neo- nazi extremist who till today celebrate Hitler’s birthday.

Why? (Dunno….just is)

History is written by winners. I am no authority on WWII but I do know that at the end it’s the capitalist that benefit from war, not the idealist.

Families are split and bonds are broken. Yet even today we all fight our personal wars (there I go again, hiding behind we).

What is there for us to gain? A belief, a relief that we are right at the expense of others? Or just because we can? Have POWER?

I once got mixed up with the wrong crowd exactly because of this.

POWER.

Power makes us do funny things, when you are powerful
…you see something you want, you take it,
…you see something you dislike, destroy it,
…if you see someone you dislike,…..RIP.

You become like a demi god.

Problem is everybody wants power.. and guess what they will also want yours. So there is a constant struggle for power. The trick is then not how to obtain the power, it is how to keep it.

If I have the answer to this question, I wont be writing this blog would I.

But here is my attempt to distill power anyway (simply because I can … write what ever I want in this blog)

Karl Marx said that "The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.".

I say that “The only way to have true power is having the ability to inflict pain.”

Not that I will hurt anybody, but if you strip power what do you have? The ability to inflict pain, be it physical or mental.
So the formula for power would be as follows

PAIN = FEAR* = POWER

*FEAR is also often mistaken for respect. It makes sense, its instinctive and primal. Its inherent in our DNA. Survival of the fittest, survival of the strongest.
So the next question is - In this day and age what are the sources of power?

I dunno…but my guess is MONEY.

So the new equation for this day and age would be

MONEY = PAIN = FEAR* = POWER

Makes sense, here’s the formula in action in today’ modern day and age.

MONEY = WORK = PAIN = FEAR OF LOSING JOB = LOSS OF POWER

And I am sure that many of you, or maybe just one of you (depending on how many of you read this) can make formulas extending from the base above.

Sigh….

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain." - Carl Jung

One Step at a time

2005-08-23T04:49:00.000-07:00

Often we lament on how fragile life is.....

We forsake the kindness and love that is showered on to us by our parents, our spouses, our colleagues, our conspirators, our friends and our enemies.

We take for granted that tomorrow they will be there…waiting, and ever eager to repeat the sequence in life that we are so familiar with.

I am no better. But here’s the truth…

HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.

As I hide behind we, we will awake to a rude awakening that life is not about us. That there are many variables beyond our control, beyond our levels of comprehension.

Expect nothing and you will not be disappointed, but by this – are we settling?

I don’t know.

As a matter a fact, there are many things that I do not know.

Someone once told me that in life, ignorance is bliss.

Yet if we choose to be ignorant, why then the quest…or should I say lust for knowledge, the pursuit of intellectualism? Would we be better off in a communist community? I don’t know.

Will this blog end up being one of the 3.4billion webpages that forms the graveyard on the worldwide web? If it is then let it RIP.

I guess that this is a time in my life where I have a lot of questions and confuse answers with riddles. Am I mocking me?

I guess its time to stop asking why ever so often and ask how.

How can I be better?
How can I help more people?
How can I give more?
How can I make the world a better place?

Writing this I realize that the only true answer is “One Step at a time” and the best place to start is with me. For to make things change, I must change first.